excerpts from my senior seminar paper [INDIA]

"Wrapped in my lightweight sari with the yellow trim, I stood along the curb of Marine Drive, outside the Sea Green Hotel, overlooking the Arabian Sea."

"Puja smiled as Hollee handed her a balloon. She breathed life into it. Giggled as it squeaked when she squeezed out the air. Again, she breathed life into the balloon. Looked up at us. Breathe. Squeeze. Laugh."

"I sat in the backseat of the taxi with my window open, wind rattling my hair and my arm poking out, rising and falling slowly on the wind, as our taxi driver swerved the rusted black car between guard rails, across multiple lanes of roadway, and past hundreds and hundreds of people. It was the people that caught my attention. Nearly one o'clock in the morning, and there were more people out in the streets than I've seen even in Manhattan. There were men pulling rickshaws on foot; men carrying loads of lumber four feet high on their backs; men sitting cross-legged in circles, gambling; and dozens of people crowded onto each square meter of sidewalk. Men, women, children, babies. Heads propped up on elbows. Heads resting on rough cement. Legs curled around each other in pretzel-like formations. Thin pieces of cloth tied around waists, acting as clothing."

 

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It is amazing how these sentences, written in chicken scratch in my journal nearly three years ago, can take me back to specific moments, leaving me daydreaming about my days in India. I can remember the sounds, the smells, the sights, and how I felt at each exact moment in time. India was so new and sense-assaulting every moment of every day that I find it impossible to forget any detail of my time spent there.

While sense-assaulting at many times, my trip to India gave me a deeper understanding of the world. I came to love the fact that my feet were dirt-stained, that my saris clung to my sweaty back and inner-thighs, that my hair was never once not frizzy, and that I had to dodge traffic every time I crossed the road. Most of all, though, I love that every experience I had was a new one.

 

Two and a half years after my trip, and I am still processing my experiences in India, and I am still searching for ways to show justice to the people I met and the opportunities I had there. I don’t know that I will ever make India clear to others unless they go themselves. I don’t know that India will ever be completely clear to me, but I do hope that I can continue to learn and grow from her, even from afar. Although I faced a lot in India that was difficult to process, I have to remind myself that I didn’t go to India to change India. I went to India to let India change me.

 

India is not a place easily forgotten. Her people are ones you cannot quickly erase from your memory. She has a way of planting a seed of lifelong excitement within you that grows and grows until you think you cannot stand the thought of being away from her any longer.

on patience.

We, as a generation, as a world, have a difficult time practicing patience. With the ability to change a song as soon as we tire of listening to it, text constantly, check instagram and facebook for instant life updates from our friends and family, bring our emails up on our phone whenever we please, or to binge-watch television series on netflix, we've trained ourselves out of the ability to sit and wait. We expect quick results or an instantaneous response to a text, and we lose hope when we don't get them. Often, the best responses are well-thought out and take time. Because we rush through life, we tend to settle for less than anyone's best, including our own. As Christians, we are supposed to do our best to bring Heaven to earth here and now. How are we supposed to accomplish that task each day if we aren't doing everything we can to strive for the perfection of God Himself? This week, I encourage you to rest; to take some time to sit and be and to do nothing else. And pray. Find quiet time to talk with God. I, too, am guilty of moving through life too quickly, but I am always amazed at how God speaks to me when I actually take the time to just be with Him. Try it this week.

change.

Change surrounds me.

Tomorrow, I return to school for meetings to prepare for another year of shaping young minds.
This morning, I began to sort through my belongings to prepare to move.
Last week, I made a payment towards another graduate class.


With the end of each season comes this strange melancholy that finds me lying on my living floor for hours, illuminated by only candles, with the sounds of some record (such as Bon Iver or The National) softly humming through the speakers. I just lie there on the soft white shag rug my parents gave to me for Christmas last year. I stare at the ceiling thinking of all the people in my life and the events and activities we have participated in together over the course of the last few months and of the times that are to come in the next few months.

This summer has felt long, but it comes to an abrupt halt as I face my return to work tomorrow.
This summer, I celebrated my friend Sarah's birthday on a rooftop in Chicago.
This summer, I visited Seattle, where I saw my friends Maria and Laura, hiked up Rattlesnake Ledge in the Cascade Mountains, swam in the Puget Sound and Lake Washington, and explored the city.
This summer, Maria and I ran a half marathon with our friend Mallory on Sauvie Island just north of Portland, Oregon. We hobbled away, stiff and sore, but we felt accomplished, and I smiled all day long. We saw my friend Alyssa, walked around the Rose Gardens, searched for brunch daily, and ate the best ice cream of the summer-- sea salt ice cream w. caramel ribbon and almond brittle w. salted ganache from Salt & Straw.
This summer, I visited home, where I played a lot of Settlers of Catan until late hours of the night, explored Detroit with Dad and saw his childhood home and elementary school, and relaxed with family at home (where we ate a lot of ice cream to celebrate summer).
This summer, I danced for three days straight at Lollapalooza in Chicago, and that left me filled with the kind of joy that forces me to smile from deep within.
This summer, I read many books and drank a lot of good coffee.
This summer, I camped with co-workers and tubed down the Muskegon River.
This summer, I baked cupcakes with kids and took them to the library weekly.
This summer, I got a new tattoo of the Great Lakes to celebrate the place where I live and the water I love.

And now, I face the fall, which is filled with opportunities both exciting and nervewracking.
This fall, I return to school to teach English to the students I love with the co-workers I love.
This fall, I will take my second graduate class: Race, Class, and Language.
This fall, I may be buying a house and moving to the southeast side of GR (God willing it all works out!)
With the purchase of a house comes a lot of mixed feelings. I am so excited about the idea of feeling settled in a place and investing money in a place of my own (rather than paying rent for years to come). I am excited about the possibility of living even closer to school and being able to really invest in that community. I am excited about having a front porch and a backyard (which means more space to host friends and family)! With the purchase of a house, I am also nervous about having less money to travel more, and I am nervous that my friends will move away from Grand Rapids while I grow roots here. Growing roots means investing in a community, but it also means I'm stuck here for a while, and I hope that I can stay okay with that. I have to constantly remind myself that I am still young, and that I can do good and have adventures here in Grand Rapids for a few more years, and if the opportunity to move elsewhere comes up in the future, I can go out into the world then. For now, I have my breaks and summers to explore the world. For now, I will do my best to enjoy the changes coming my way and embrace them.

i have been changed for good.

As I face this final week of the school year, I'm left feeling magnificently relieved and also deeply saddened that the end is near. I have never worked with children that have such high needs both academically and behaviorally, but I have also never loved a group of kids as much as I do these. I have taught these kids important English skills, but the lessons they taught me this year are far more important than any book I had them read or story I had them write. Between taking kids to Friday night movies at school, driving them to school in the morning, teaching them how to cook after school, co-coaching running club, and taking kids out for ice cream on Sunday afternoons, these kids inadvertently taught me that this life is not about me. This life is completely about glorifying God and serving His people each and every day here on this earth. I am busy, and I often feel stressed about all that I must accomplish. It is in the moments when I see children laughing and just being kids that I am reminded to slow down and stop worrying. In these moments, I often think, "So what if I'm tired now? These interactions with these kids are far more important to God's kingdom than the time I might instead spend sitting on my couch. So what if I'm tired now? My time here on earth is pretty short, and I will rest in God's glory when I meet him in eternity." Although this past year I felt stressed far more often than I felt relaxed, I also felt far more fulfilled than I have at any other time in my life. This is not to say that I am without very selfish moments (or days or weeks). My point here is that God is great at reminding me that He is in control, and no matter how tired I may be, as long as I ask, He will always give me the strength and motivation to carry out His good works.

I challenge all of you to sit back and think, "Am I living out a life that pleases God? Am I asking God for the opportunities and strength to carry on His mission?" Trust Him. He will fill you with all things good to the point of overflow when you begin to live out each day in a way that pleases Him.

on love.

Throughout the past few weeks, I have finally been taking the time to sit down and write my senior seminar paper. I know the paper is two years late, but I truly do not think that, if I had written the paper any sooner, I could have written an honest paper reflecting on my experience in India and processing how my time there is affecting my worldview.

My junior and senior years at Hope were the worst two years of my life. By the time graduation came, I couldn't wait to escape. Throwing myself into a world completely different than anything I knew in Michigan didn't erase my issues, but it did help me look at my own problems in a new light. I learned that most of the horrible things that happened to me happened because I allowed them to. I immersed myself in situations that were life-sucking and not life-giving. I twisted how I thought about the relationships I had in order to believe that love was actually present, in some form, in all of them.

While the actions and words of the people around me were in fact void of love, the thoughts I had were so twisted and so full of lies that I spiraled into a deep depression. The strange thing about depression is that I could say anything I wanted to make others believe I was okay. I was also a gold medalist in placing blame on others. I held onto pain that I felt for years. I knew I had people around me that loved me, but I tried so hard to fix the issues I had with the people hurting me, when I really should have just let it all go and erased the people out of my life that I was allowing to hurt me.

India taught me to look for beauty in everything and everyone. I spent a lot of time with the girls I traveled with. I got annoyed with them, and I am sure they were annoyed with me. We were all traveling in a foreign country not at all like our own. Of course we were all going to be annoying at times. I held in my frustrations, though, and I didn't even write out my frustrations in my journal. I am glad I can look back through my journal and remember all of those girls as beautiful women with good and pure intentions. I even look back on the beggars and street children with love, even though they pinched the backs of my arms and tugged at the legs of my clothing, wiping their dirty hands on my back as they begged for money. That's all they know, and I can't judge them for that. They are just people trying to survive. "The best I can do is show love to them, even if that means just giving them a smile," is something I wrote in my journal a number of times throughout my trip.

India taught me to not judge or twist relationships. I have to be confident that God will work things out in His own way and at His own time. I have to remember that I am loved, even when I am single. There are all kinds of relationships and all kinds of love to be shared in this world. I feel more full than ever! This has come only with deep reflection, a growing sense of self-awareness, a community of faithful believers, forgiveness (both towards myself and towards others, even when I don't receive it in return), and constant prayer (especially when said out loud).

I have come to realize how important it is to tell the people in our lives how much we love and appreciate them. We need to show acts of love to the people we care about each and every day. I believe this because I have experienced a lot of loss lately, but also because I have experienced great gains, and I think the people who are life-giving to me deserve to know.

Tell someone today: "I love you, and I appreciate you!"